Now there's a 7-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long? I loaned a friend $30,000 for plastic surgery...and now I don't know what he looks like. So I'm in a bar, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky...but there wasn't gum under any of them.... Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them! My sister gained 80 lbs expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear. People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?" So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes...got my lashes caught in her zipper.... My nephew's computer beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing! My girlfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something." When I was a kid my nickname was Mister Baseball. Because of the stitches. I caught my wife in bed with another man. I was crushed. I said, "Get off me, you two!" Once my mom caught me in bed with a chicken. There was egg on my face! I woke up this morning with a bloody nose. I thought, "How did THIS get into bed with me?" I'm a great lover, I bet! I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed, "Emo, we're just as scared of you!" Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but.... I was in a bar and I met a very hefty woman wearing a tee-shirt that said GUESS. I said, "Thyroid problem?" I ran three miles today. Finally, I said, "Lady, keep your purse." Last year I donated $10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not voluntarily.... My mom gave me one of those cloth calenders for my kitchen. Took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment. They call me "Good Time Emo." Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo. I'm not a Republican...but I am saving up to be one. I ran into a woman I dated last year. I said, "You gave me a rash." She said, "Put something on it." I said, "OK. Ten bucks says it was you." I had a very close relationship with this other kid growing up. I was his imaginary friend. Marrying a woman for sex is like buying a tiger for transportation. Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them! My dad always said, "If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade." Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor. I was born in Chicago. When I was 10, my parents moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was 12, I found them. I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized the Lord didn't work that way. So I just stole one, and asked Him to forgive me.... I was married once. I'd always wanted a beautiful, loving wife. And she'd always wanted to be a citizen. I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy. My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.... Some mornings, it just doesn't pay to gnaw through those leather straps. So I'm pushing my nephew through the park, and he's crying...because I forgot the stroller.... I was at the airport trying to pick up my mother. Well, it was dark in that lounge.... Some mornings, it just doesn't pay to gnaw through those leather straps. If someone strikes your face, turn the other cheek. That way the swelling comes out even. I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint. The Scots are the toughest men in the world. They have drive-by head-buttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer. I hate Indian givers. No, I take that back.... In a bar I met a very hefty woman wearing a tee-shirt that said GUESS. I said, "Thyroid problem?" My grandfather worked his whole life in a sweatshop. After he died, with the money he left us, we bought a sauna. My teacher said, "Emo, am I stupid, or were your cheating?" I said, "Yes and no." So I'm in a bar, nursing a beer...and my nipple is getting all soggy.... Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose except band together. I've learned about women the hard way! Through books. My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.... You know how you're peeing in the toilet and it sounds like a fallen angel commanding you to kill Kenny G? I'm learning to speak Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items. Once I posed naked for a magazine, but it was very demeaning... and I've never been back to that news stand! When I was kid I slept on rubber sheets, but now I'm a man...and I can take the wetness! I used to have a big gay following, but I ducked down an alley and lost him.