I'm learning to speak Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items. Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but.... I was in a bar and I met a very hefty woman wearing a tee-shirt that said GUESS. I said, "Thyroid problem?" So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes...got my lashes caught in her zipper.... I hate Indian givers. No, I take that back.... So I'm pushing my nephew through the park, and he's crying...because I forgot the stroller.... My mom gave me one of those cloth calenders for my kitchen. Took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment. Some mornings, it just doesn't pay to gnaw through those leather straps. Last year I donated $10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not voluntarily.... I caught my wife in bed with another man. I was crushed. I said, "Get off me, you two!" My sister gained 80 lbs expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear. My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.... So I'm in a bar, nursing a beer...and my nipple is getting all soggy.... I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed, "Emo, we're just as scared of you!" When I was kid I slept on rubber sheets, but now I'm a man...and I can take the wetness! Some mornings, it just doesn't pay to gnaw through those leather straps. I had a very close relationship with this other kid growing up. I was his imaginary friend. I'm not a Republican...but I am saving up to be one. In a bar I met a very hefty woman wearing a tee-shirt that said GUESS. I said, "Thyroid problem?" The Scots are the toughest men in the world. They have drive-by head-buttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer. Now there's a 7-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long? If someone strikes your face, turn the other cheek. That way the swelling comes out even. My grandfather worked his whole life in a sweatshop. After he died, with the money he left us, we bought a sauna. You know how you're peeing in the toilet and it sounds like a fallen angel commanding you to kill Kenny G? I loaned a friend $30,000 for plastic surgery...and now I don't know what he looks like. Once I posed naked for a magazine, but it was very demeaning... and I've never been back to that news stand! I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint. I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized the Lord didn't work that way. So I just stole one, and asked Him to forgive me.... My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.... Once my mom caught me in bed with a chicken. There was egg on my face! When I was a kid my nickname was Mister Baseball. Because of the stitches. I was at the airport trying to pick up my mother. Well, it was dark in that lounge.... My teacher said, "Emo, am I stupid, or were your cheating?" I said, "Yes and no." So I'm in a bar, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky...but there wasn't gum under any of them.... I woke up this morning with a bloody nose. I thought, "How did THIS get into bed with me?" I've learned about women the hard way! Through books. I used to have a big gay following, but I ducked down an alley and lost him. Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them! Marrying a woman for sex is like buying a tiger for transportation. They call me "Good Time Emo." Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo. People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?" Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose except band together. I was born in Chicago. When I was 10, my parents moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was 12, I found them. Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them! My girlfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something." My nephew's computer beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing! I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy. My dad always said, "If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade." Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor. I ran three miles today. Finally, I said, "Lady, keep your purse." I ran into a woman I dated last year. I said, "You gave me a rash." She said, "Put something on it." I said, "OK. Ten bucks says it was you." I was married once. I'd always wanted a beautiful, loving wife. And she'd always wanted to be a citizen. I'm a great lover, I bet!