I'm told my comedy videos are "safe for work" --
so enjoy, all you roofers, surgeons, pilots....
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| Golden Gate Bridge | Money for College | Tips on Romance |
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| UHF (with rescued footage) | Childhood | Religion |
If someone strikes you,
turn the other cheek!
That way,
the
s w e l l i n g
comes out even.
Last summer I was in Provence
shooting a documentary
about a Frenchman with
O C D
who showers up to
once a day....
Some mornings,
it just doesn't pay
to gnaw through
those leather straps.
I ran into a woman
I dated last year.
I said,
"You gave me a rash."
She said,
"Put something on it."
I said,
"OK... ten bucks says it was you."
I woke up this morning with a bloody nose. I thought, "How did THIS get into bed with me?"
My nephew's computer beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing!
A chocolate martini is kind of like a "Hello Kitty" crack pipe.
I used to be
scared
of pretty girls,
until one confessed,
"Emo, we're just as scared of you!"
Santa Fe is fun to visit,
but property there
will cost you
an arm and
a dillo.
In California, there's a ten-day waiting period to buy a gun.
Now, how am I supposed to stay mad....
I never cheated on my wife.
I took seriously
those vows of celibacy....
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby.
Well, you get nervous...
waiting for those adoption papers
to clear....
Libertarians believe consenting adults
have the right to do
whatever they choose
(except band together)
Marrying a woman for
s e x
is like buying a tiger for transportation.
I hate Indian givers.
No, I take that back....
Once my teacher said,
"Emo, am I stupid, or were your cheating?"
I said,
"Yes and no."
So I'm in a bar, nursing a beer...
and my nipple's getting all soggy....
They call me "Good Time Emo." Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
Last year I donated
$ 1 0 , 0 0 0
to deprived
inner-city kids.
Not voluntarily....
My dad always said,
"If someone
hands you a lemon,
make lemonade."
Plus that also works
w o n d e r f u l l y
as a metaphor.
My mom gave me one of those
cloth calenders
for my kitchen;
took me
three hours
to sew in a dental appointment....
Santa Fe
is fun to visit,
but property there
will cost you an arm
and a dillo.
People come up to me
and say,
"Emo, do people really come up to you?"
I've learned about women
the hard way
(through books)
I used to have a
big gay following...
but I ducked
down an alley
and lost him.
So I'm in a bar,
trying to
undress this woman
with my eyes...
and I got my lashes
caught in her
zipper....
I ran
three miles today.
Finally,
I said,
"Lady,
keep your purse."
I was born in Chicago.
When I was 10,
my parents moved to a suburb called
Downers Grove.
When I was 12,
I found them.
Some mornings,
it just doesn't pay
to gnaw through
those leather straps.
I was
married
once.
I had always wanted a beautiful, loving wife;
and she had always wanted to be a citizen....
I'm not a Republican...
but I am saving up
to be one.
Every night,
my wife used to give me
a foot massage.
And my face
would smell weird afterwards,
but....
I used to pray
every night
for a new bike.
Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way.
So I just stole one,
and asked Him
to forgive me....
I had a very
close relationship
with this other kid growing up;
I was his imaginary friend.
When I was a kid,
my nickname was
Mister Baseball
(because of the stitches in my face).
The Scots are the toughest guys in the world;
they have drive-by head-buttings.
(In Glasgow,
a sweatband is considered
a silencer.)
My parents were very protective.
I couldn't even
cross the street
without them
getting all excited...
placing bets...
My ex-wife
used to giggle
during sex.
Didn't matter what she
was reading....