I was

married

once.

I had always wanted a beautiful, loving wife;

and she had always wanted to be a citizen....

Every night,

my wife used to give me

a foot massage.

And my face

would smell weird afterwards, 

but....

So I'm in a bar,

trying to

undress this woman

with my eyes...

and I got my lashes

caught in her

zipper....

So I'm in a bar, nursing a beer... 

and my nipple's getting all soggy....

I had a very

close relationship

with this other kid growing up; 

I was his imaginary friend.

Santa Fe

is fun to visit,

but property there 

will cost you an arm

 and a dillo.

I've learned about women

the hard way

(through books)

When I was a kid,

my nickname was

Mister Baseball 

(because of the stitches in my face).

My parents were very protective.

I couldn't even

cross the street

without them

getting all excited...

placing bets...

I woke up this morning with a bloody nose. I thought, "How did THIS get into bed with me?"

They call me "Good Time Emo." Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

I ran into a woman

I dated last year.

I said,

"You gave me a rash."

She said,

"Put something on it."

I said,

"OK... ten bucks says it was you."

Libertarians believe consenting adults 

have the right to do

whatever they choose

(except band together)

Marrying a woman for

s e x

 is like buying a tiger for transportation.

I was born in Chicago.

When I was 10,

my parents moved to a suburb called 

Downers Grove. 

When I was 12,

I found them.

I'm learning to speak Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

Once I posed

naked

for a magazine,

but it was

very demeaning... 

and I've never been back to that news stand.

I used to pray

every night

for a new bike. 

Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way. 

So I just stole one,

and asked Him

to forgive me....

Once my teacher said,

"Emo, am I stupid, or were your cheating?"

I said,

"Yes and no."

My nephew's computer beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing!

My ex-wife 

used to giggle 

during sex.

Didn't matter what she 

was reading....

The Scots are the toughest guys in the world;

they have drive-by head-buttings.

(In Glasgow, 

a sweatband is considered

a silencer.)

I used to have a 

big gay following... 

but I ducked

down an alley

and lost him.

My dad always said,

"If someone

hands you a lemon,

make lemonade."

Plus that also works

w o n d e r f u l l y  

as a metaphor.

A chocolate martini is kind of like a "Hello Kitty" crack pipe. 

I hate Indian givers.

No, I take that back....

  Last summer I was in Provence

shooting a documentary

about a Frenchman with

O C D

who showers up to

once a day....

People come up to me 

and say,

"Emo, do people really come up to you?"

My mom gave me one of those

cloth calenders

for my kitchen; 

took me

three hours

to sew in a dental appointment....

If someone strikes you,

turn the other cheek!

That way,

the

s w e l l i n g 

comes out even.

I'm not a Republican... 

but I am saving up

to be one.

So I'm in a bar

and this very

hefty woman

comes up to me.

She has a tee-shirt that says

GUESS.

I said, 

"Thyroid problem?" 

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby.

Well, you get nervous...  

waiting for those adoption papers 

to clear....

In California, there's a ten-day waiting period to buy a gun.

Now, how am I supposed to stay mad....

Last year I donated

$ 1 0 , 0 0 0

to deprived

inner-city kids.

Not voluntarily....

I ran

three miles today. 

Finally,

I said,

"Lady,

keep your purse."

I used to be

scared

of pretty girls, 

until one confessed,

"Emo, we're just as scared of you!"

I never cheated on my wife.

I took seriously

those vows of celibacy....