A gentle click here will whisk you to my one & only Facebook page.
I beg you to please kindly note that mine is not a regular Facebook page; it is some sort of special celebrity "fan" page, from which Facebook forbids my visiting your page. (Thanks for spoiling it for everyone, Dustin Hoffman.)
However, although I'm prohibited from interacting with you privately, I will do my best to reply to you before the eyes of all, if you write me a comment -- an easy-to-spot, "stand-alone" one, as opposed to one fighting for attention within a thread. Please know that, if I am on-the-road, it may take several days, or even longer, for me to reply (long story). If, after several years, I have still not answered, please please please do not hate me; I assure you that my oversight was unintentional, and that I am your friend, and that I would be only-too-happy to buy you a soft drink, or to recite a poem to you (actually, that is the option I would prefer), were we ever to meet after a show.
Speaking of which, I trust you will forgive me for seizing this opportunity to answer some of the questions which, over the years, I have noticed that I have been most frequently asked, with the goal of anticipating one or more of your queries - - thus bringing immediate relief to you, and future relief to myself.
Question: Can I meet you after your show?
Answer: Of course! I would love to chat with you, and to sign whatever (within hygienic boundaries) you like. Plus I am always up for a photo, so long as you promise not to make a goofy face.
Question: Would you like to get together for lunch or dinner before the show, or maybe to go to the zoo or a rodeo or something?
Answer: I'd love to, but I'm always way too nervous about my pending performance. (Exception: if your zoo offers a rodeo option.)
Question: Would you like to go someplace after your show?
Answer: I'd love to, but I'm invariably way too exhausted after I get off stage to go galavanting out-on-the-town, for the simple reason that I always give 100% (unless, of course, I have a second show later that evening).
Question: When will you play my city?
Answer: I proudly post all of my gigs onto my website the instant I get them, like a pet cat leaving a dead bird on one's pillow, or a ghost cat leaving a live one. (Normally the bird equivalent would be Twitter, but I seldom tweet my upcoming gigs; I apologize for the confusion.)
When the gig's a fortnight away, I then post it onto Facebook. You'd think that would be a foolproof way to warn others, but it is not: I was once told by a fan that a posting -- which would have alerted him to the fact that I was performing within but a two hour's drive of his own backyard -- had somehow tragically slipped past him.
To avoid the bitter tears, not to mention the eternal self-recrimination, of finding out, only-too-late, that I have just played your metropolis, the surest option (depending on the vigilance of your spam filter) is an Emo-Philiac Proximity Warning.
So here's hoping -- against all odds -- that you learn of my presence when next I'm nigh. Who knows? Perhaps we'll even be able to laugh about it afterwards.
Thanking you sincerely for reading all the way down to here (or even if you have skipped),
I remain,
Your eternal slave to mirth-purveying,
