Question: Can I meet you after your show?
Answer: Yes please! I would love to chat with you, and would be ecstatic to sign whatever (within hygienic boundaries) you like. Plus I am always up for a photo, as long as you promise not to make a goofy face.
Question: Would you like to get together for lunch or dinner before your show, or maybe to go to the zoo or a rodeo or something?
Answer: I would love to, but I'm always way too nervous about my pending performance. (Having said that: if your zoo offers a rodeo option... )
Question: Would you like to go someplace after your show?
Answer: Again, I would love to, but I'm invariably way too exhausted after I get off stage to go a-galavanting out-on-the-town, for the simple reason that I always give 100% (unless, of course, I have a second show later that evening).
Question: When will you play my city?
Answer: I have no idea -- but I'm happy to assure you that I play just about everywhere, eventually.
Question: When you do finally play my city, how can I know?
Answer: The instant I get a gig, I proudly post it onto the "upcoming shows" section of my website, like a pet cat leaving a dead bird on your pillow, or a ghost cat leaving a live one; I know that normally the bird equivalent would be Twitter, but people often miss tweets; I apologize for the confusion. (That said, I tweet about my gigs as well.) I also post my gigs onto Instagram, which you would think would be more reliable, but it's not: once an Instagram friend told me that a posting -- which would have alerted him to the fact that I was doing a show but a four hour's drive of his own backyard -- had somehow cruelly slipped past him. To avoid the bitter tears, not to mention the eternal self-recrimination, of finding out, only-too-late, that I have just played your metropolis, I suggest you request an Emo-Philiac Proximity Warning. But even that might not work, if you have an over-vigilant spam filter. To sum it all up, then: it would be a small miracle if you ever learn of my presence in your vicinity. But I won't give up if you don't.